Time to get healthy. I ordered my pill container, started a running log, going to begin a food diary. 

I sent my boyfriend a very long and sexy email (sorry, not sorry) just for the hell of it, and sarcastically texted, “I sent you a long email. I’m not sure if you’ll like it.” With a slash face. He immediately responded with, “Just tell me here first if you hurt yourself…”

And it honestly made me so sad…

He can’t trust me :(

He can’t trust the fact that I have learned to talk to him about those things before they happen.

But he will. Someday, he will…

Because my goal is to be clean, and stay clean. By being happy, and staying happy.

My boyfriend said that maybe there is a way I can make my scars go away. I told him no. I told him I’d rather keep them. I need a reminder of how bad things got, of what I went through. I need him to look at me and see what he saved me from.

Well…I relapsed.

Again.

Last time, I was so worried I’d hurt him, so upset…I bawled in the shower for half an hour and I told him he shouldn’t want to talk to me because I’d done something awful after I’d promised him I’d be strong, tell him if I got the urge, and that I wouldn’t cut myself. Well…he wasn’t hurt. He was disappointed in me, and we had a very long talk about it. He said he wouldn’t let that hurt him because if he let it hurt him, he’d be hurting instead of helping me.

He shouldn’t have said that.

Because this time…it’s less time in between, he’s in Turkey (so it’s not like he’s suspecting anything) and I knew beforehand he wouldn’t be hurt. So I’m only hurting myself this time. Which is the goal…

It’s a nice set, too. Deep and long, the way I like them…

I don’t have to do this anymore. I never have to hurt myself, ever again. I’ve met someone, and he has shown me that I can’t do it anymore. I’ve been able to be three weeks clean, with his help. I honestly love him for doing this for me. No one asked him. He just…did.

I wish everyone had someone like him. Someone they could turn to, someone to rescue them from themselves…

It’s getting to the point where when I shave my legs, I don’t really care about shaving around my cuts anymore. I just go right over them and if they open back up and bleed, who fucking cares?

I guess I like re-cutting. I did it again from a few more of my older scars.
I just need to know one thing. How do you look into the eyes of a person you care about, a person you’re in love with, a person who sees you only as a friend—how do you tell them, “I cut myself. Every day. Because of you.” How do you do that? I’d love to know how….